No, not that word you may have thought of first. The D word in my life is doubt. Doubt: to be uncertain about, consider questionable or unlikely, hesitate to believe. This D word in my life creeps in when I am overly tired, when something seems too big to tackle, when the issue seems overwhelming, when I feel unequipped or unresourceful, when I don't think I have the energy to see it through. Satan loves this word. God releases us from it.
Too often I believe we let doubt fill our heart up before we give God a chance to show us a way or that we can. Lately I have felt God using this state of mind to make me aware of how he made me, not how Satan made me. Strong. Stronger then I think, actually. Especially with Him on my side. And with people in my life who I believe He uses to show me my own strength. Now this doesn't make me think I can do it "all". Whatever "all" is. But, it does make me feel like I am capable, if willing to do the hard work. And in my 32 years of existence, when I do the hard work I reap the fruits of my labor...usually! But some things just still seem really, really scary. For example, home-schooling. This seemed crazy scary at times and the moments I let doubt take over, my decision was made. Not doing it. When I really handed it over to the Lord, He showed me the way and gave me the means. It was and has been a lot of work to make happen, but it is very good. But there are smaller examples too... take 3 kids to the grocery store, take 3 kids to Adventureland (1 being a 3 weeks old), try some new ventures of my own, attempt to heal a broken relationship (too much work, right?), clean/organize my kids bedrooms (scary at times!), and so on. Just think of all the little and big things we don't do because we doubt. I look around at my community and see so many strong people doing courageous things. I also look around and see so much potential in some who won't even take that first step. I know that feeling. It freezes me at times and keeps me in a safe place where I can just keeping doing what I am doing and not rock the boat. But then I never get to experience the greatness that comes from trudging through some hard places.
That D word, doubt, finds its way into my heart when I least expect it and when I very consciously let it in. If you ask me, it is one of Satan's best weapons on us. Doubt leads to discouragement and that leads to being still, doing nothing. God wants us to be His hands and feet. He wants us to be women and men of faith. I can't do that when I am paralyzed by my own doubt. I have been leaning heavily on this verse lately...
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do
not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you
It's been very reassuring to know He is with me wherever you go. It's also been a good reminder that he commands me to be courageous. That's a hard pill to swallow some days. It doesn't mean everything will just become easy or that He will show me obvious signs of what and how to do things. It does tell me to seek though. And to try things. And to just remember that life will just be scary and hard at times... and that's okay. Really okay, actually. In these sometimes scary and hard places I wipe away doubt and let God use me and in the end I feel His strength come over me. With that strength I can finally really be His hands and feet. I am working hard at not letting that dang D word get the best of me. Hope you'll try too!