After every new baby it seems I am always blowing in the wind awhile until I finally find a place to land and walk in those shoes for a bit. As I blow around I tend to feel very unattached from "me". I think to myself that I just need this or that to function again like it did before so I can feel more like myself. I work hard to get things back to how they were or at least as close as possible. I don't know why I adapt to change slowly (I think) and it ruffles my feathers a bit. I am starting to gain some perspective though on just who "me" is in all these stages and I've finally found some good conclusions to this rather questionable place.
Who I am, is where I am. "Who you are is where you are". I read this not long ago and it finally hit me.
I am me right where I am at. I have a visual in my head of who I think I am or who I think I need to be and this just needs to go sometimes. Some stages of my life I have been super organized and on time and remembered everything and wore clean clothes. That was me. Some stages I have been exhausted and worn out and loving little ones drooling on my shirts and forgotten things all the time. That has been me. Some stages I have been sad and wimpy and insecure and boring. This is true, this has been me. Some stages I have been helpful and well rested and had time for everyone and made monthly menus on my computer for the fun of it. Also a true version of me at some point. Whatever it has been that I've found myself doing or being...it has been or is me. Who I am today is simply that...who I am. God knows the well put together and loving life version of me and He knows the frazzled and a little unsure of myself version of me.
The truth I find in all this is that God knows me. He knows what it takes to make me His in each stage. He knows how to best form me in each season. He knows who to put in my life at the right times to help me be who He made me to be. He knows me. He knows me. He knows me. And I have much faith in Him knowing me. As long as I keep looking for Jesus in each stage of my life, then I can find peace in knowing He has me where He wants me and I want nothing more than to be in that place. So I am working hard to stop trying to get back to wherever I think I need to get back to and just as much trying to not focus too much on who I am trying to be and just be who God has made me to be today. Where I am is who I am and that, my friend, will be forever changing. As much as it ruffles my feathers, change is good and I'd be bored with the old me anyways :)
So as for today, right at this moment...I am just trying to be a follower of Jesus, loving on my kids, and helping my husband. That means a handful of different things for me from changing poopy cloth diapers to planning home-school for next week to washing Underdog costume to holding wrenches to praying to cooking meals to playing ball to reading my book to kissing owies to feeding dogs to having a joyful attitude to seeing Jesus. Whatever else comes my way today, I am open and willing because I know He knows me.