My baby's first birthday stands just days away and I've been pausing more recently to stop and look back at the trail that trickles behind us as we get ready to celebrate such a little addition to our home. Really, the trail we've walked along has been a rather foggy one and I'm not sure I have seen some of the landmarks along the way. Walking in fog is hard enough as one can't see if the road is still there or if you've stepped off the path, but running through fog is even scarier, as one is sure to trip and fall down if not once, but maybe many times. As the sweet baby boy came home almost a year ago, I know I didn't even realize that the fog was setting in. Through my "just fallen in love" eyes, I began a light jog down a path. Somewhere along that path the fog was so heavy and the pace I had made me desperate to catch a breath. I ran through stop signs maybe and forgot to yield when things were coming my way. All the while, I stopped seeing what was around me and could only feel the sweat running down my back as I ran hard to stay on a path I thought was the right one. And maybe it is, but I can't see clearly. And it's hard to make the right turns when you just can't see. As I have ran through the thick dense fog I've lost sight of the beautiful landmarks that line the road...the little yellow flowers or the new blossoms on the trees. The sun rays shining across the blue sky and the drops of rain hanging onto the green leaves. The little things that make our world beautiful. When I pause and see beauty, I find my heart speaks truth to my head and once again I can start to see clearly and pass my vision onto my children.
Today I sit to write this post, a little scared that I might let myself be too honest. I am timely reading through Ann Voskamp's book, A Thousand Gifts, and it really resonates with me when she says "that moving the ink across the page opens up the eyes". John Piper says it too, "that there are eyes in pencils and pens". I get what they are saying, I think, and find beauty as I let the writing of my heart have its way. Healing or an open door to seeing, fog lights for a dreary day..I'm not sure? Maybe a little of both.
In running through the fog I've found myself in a clearing. Not sure how I landed here, but I am here. A place where I can stop and let the fog pass a bit before I walk again. I am on a journey to find beautiful again. I know it is always around me and the gifts I see daily don't always whisper to my heart though. I see, but I don't see. I don't let my soul slow down enough to really feel the gifts surround me and lead my thoughts toward beautiful, just as God created all these such things. I'm looking for whats right in front of me. I just can't open my eyes all the way. I am hoping my pen will guide my vision. Chin up, I am looking for it. The beautiful.
I am challenged by Ann's list of 1000 gifts. I feel it making a difference in my heart as I sketch out a mental list in my head. So I am going to jump in and see where my own list can lead me. I want to see beautiful along each road my life leads me down. I want to notice the simple gifts that surround me and let my heart be thankful in every way, so I can keep my eyes on the beauty and not let the fog block it out again. I have no time-frame and I'm just looking...and writing them down. In my little flowered note-book, chosen for it's empty pages and potential to change my life. I believe my path can be made beautiful again. I know I can find it. I want to see it on clear sunny days and be able to train my eyes to see it through the foggy too. It's been created for us and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. Only 3 pages into my little note-book and I can already feel the mind squinting through the fog to see clearer, to pick out the beauty in the distance... only it's not that far away. It's been right by me all along. I'm just only starting to see again...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
just a yard away
Did you know that Americans today spend such little time outside of their homes that most don't even know the names of the people living just across the street from them? It's a sad story if you ask me. Garages are built right into houses and mail boxes on the front door so all you have to do is magically drive in and out of your garage and technically never go out to see who is really outside your 4 walls of a home. That inner door keeps you from walking the extra distance across a lawn or two and facing a real life person or interacting with the average dog walker and jogger coming by. While I love a good back-yard, I also know the value in hanging out in my front yard, parking out of my garage, and letting my neighbors see we are some real folks living life right alongside our fellow neighbors.
When I think about what I've learned about community and what God wants from us to live within community, I quickly think back to our own block of community members. Every so often something unexpected and wonderful comes out of simply choosing to walk across a yard and say hello. As I intentionally gathered my children, cleaned their faces, and baked cookies to deliver to new neighbors a year ago...I took that little walk across the front yards and arrived at their front steps intending to welcome them to the neighborhood and offering a friendly suggestion to stop by sometime. I went to be the giver, but I have found that my life has been deeply impacted as the receiver in a way of community that I wish every person could experience in their own neighborhood.
My family sat out front one night this week and admired the big moon and ate pizza late at night and laughed and let summer settle in around us. And we did it with our neighbors. Our neighbors who are just a yard away, but in my heart they are comfortably sitting on my family room sofa. Delivering cookies quickly became delivering ourselves in a way that we have been able to open our homes and hearts as we pass the days together. Between sharing tools and recipes and baked treats and dog sitting and kid swapping and meal making and yard games and tears and laughter, we have somehow stolen a little piece of what I think community can really look like. I am beyond blessed to have such kind, genuine, and good neighbors. A place where my children can go and be loved on and played with and cheered on to be who they are. A place where I can walk in and be welcomed with a smile and be encouraged to be who I am. People who I can invite to my dinner table the very last second and know they don't care if I am serving left-over soup from 3 days ago or a 4 course meal. People who offer to help in so many ways, yet don't pass judgment when my house is in shambles, my teeth aren't brushed, and I just yelled at my kids. These folks from just a yard away in so many ways are the best neighbors, but mostly, they've become some of our best friends.
As I step out of my front door I always look just a yard away and feel like I'm just gazing on down home. I am blessed to eat pizza late at night with another family who is willing to step outside and share life with my bunch. It's been just a year since we went on a walk just a yard away. Today my boys run that short distance to greet some of their favorite familiar faces. As I intentionally tried to welcome them to the neighborhood, I have been so blessed as they intentionally welcomed me into their hearts. They say the grass is greener on the other side...in our case, it most certainly is!
When I think about what I've learned about community and what God wants from us to live within community, I quickly think back to our own block of community members. Every so often something unexpected and wonderful comes out of simply choosing to walk across a yard and say hello. As I intentionally gathered my children, cleaned their faces, and baked cookies to deliver to new neighbors a year ago...I took that little walk across the front yards and arrived at their front steps intending to welcome them to the neighborhood and offering a friendly suggestion to stop by sometime. I went to be the giver, but I have found that my life has been deeply impacted as the receiver in a way of community that I wish every person could experience in their own neighborhood.
My family sat out front one night this week and admired the big moon and ate pizza late at night and laughed and let summer settle in around us. And we did it with our neighbors. Our neighbors who are just a yard away, but in my heart they are comfortably sitting on my family room sofa. Delivering cookies quickly became delivering ourselves in a way that we have been able to open our homes and hearts as we pass the days together. Between sharing tools and recipes and baked treats and dog sitting and kid swapping and meal making and yard games and tears and laughter, we have somehow stolen a little piece of what I think community can really look like. I am beyond blessed to have such kind, genuine, and good neighbors. A place where my children can go and be loved on and played with and cheered on to be who they are. A place where I can walk in and be welcomed with a smile and be encouraged to be who I am. People who I can invite to my dinner table the very last second and know they don't care if I am serving left-over soup from 3 days ago or a 4 course meal. People who offer to help in so many ways, yet don't pass judgment when my house is in shambles, my teeth aren't brushed, and I just yelled at my kids. These folks from just a yard away in so many ways are the best neighbors, but mostly, they've become some of our best friends.
As I step out of my front door I always look just a yard away and feel like I'm just gazing on down home. I am blessed to eat pizza late at night with another family who is willing to step outside and share life with my bunch. It's been just a year since we went on a walk just a yard away. Today my boys run that short distance to greet some of their favorite familiar faces. As I intentionally tried to welcome them to the neighborhood, I have been so blessed as they intentionally welcomed me into their hearts. They say the grass is greener on the other side...in our case, it most certainly is!
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Rais'in the Roof
Today is supposed to be another hot summer day, near 100 degrees and heat index of 105. In these hot conditions it makes me want to lay around in my air conditioned home or get my brood to the pool faster then you can say fried egg. What I want to do today and what needs to happen today are two totally different things. For over two weeks now we have been tackling the project that most people run from when they hear what you are doing: re-roofing our house. Not just re-roofing, but redesigning our roof line to make it work with our new double garage. We have had a very narrow single garage our whole life and Dave's dad is a natural born expert in the carpenter service area, so he managed to draw up plans to make this new roof include expanding a garage wall, filling an empty gap between our home and existing garage, and wa-la...new double garage. Genius if you ask me.
I can't even put into words what it feels like to have someone show up at your home day after day and sweat through these nasty heat conditions to put a new roof on our house. He comes, smile in tack, and climbs back up even after he's trudged home soaking wet and weary from the day before. All I've done is make meals, serve water, and keep kids and have questioned a time or two...is all this work worth it? But he keeps coming, keeps serving, and every time I go out there...he keeps smiling. I go back inside and lay a baby down or prepare a snack and am reminded...it takes a lot of hard work to put a new and better protecting roof on a house. It takes the same sweat, hard work, and smiles to put that kind of shield over a home. Home, the place my children learn and grown and try and fail and find grace and meet Jesus and begin their story. Home, where my I hope others enter and feel welcomed and loved and encouraged and cared for. Home, where I hope my family looks forward to coming back to at the end of their day and finds safety in a place where they can be just who they were designed to be.
Building a stable roof over our home is similar to the hard surface roof going up as I speak. I look back at how we've done our life with these kids and with each other and we've chosen the harder route for sure at times. We've sweat a lot and cried and worked hard, really hard, to make what we're building stand firm in something bigger then us. And we've questioned along the way...is all this worth it? We've had to redesign our lives many times to make it work better for our family and what we're trying to accomplish here with these little souls under our roof. As good men have just showed up to work side by side my smiling and sweaty father-in-law, I am reminded that with our home building we have so many that show up for the hard work in here too. This roof can't go up on it's own or with one man. Our home can't be built by our hands alone. We have very intentional people stepping in and sweating hard with us to make all this come together... both house roof and home roof.
Shingles are getting scraped off and new ones being placed over top. As I watched some of our best friends scrape and scrape ugly, worn, not working anymore shingles I felt like I was understanding a bit more why my Savior lets me sweat through hard times in life. He is getting ready to re-shingle, to place new ones, better ones over me. Shingles not doing their job, must go, and sometimes a complete new design must be built. All of this takes time and requires work, hard work. I find I question myself when it feels the dirtiest and on the hottest of days, but know the roof will stand in beauty one day soon as each hand has laid it's shingle right where it goes. It's a slow process that takes careful design, but the Designer I am letting lead me is a bit of a Genius of His own. I just need to keep showing up with a smile on my face, even when the day before was brutally hot and sweaty, and trust that all this hard work now is definitely worth it. I am slowly learning to let more in to help me raise our roof and humbled at the hands and feet that voluntarily show up to complete such a task.
Today is another hot day...but guess who showed up with a smile already? Yup. Guess I can too today as I help re-roof a bit of my own...
I can't even put into words what it feels like to have someone show up at your home day after day and sweat through these nasty heat conditions to put a new roof on our house. He comes, smile in tack, and climbs back up even after he's trudged home soaking wet and weary from the day before. All I've done is make meals, serve water, and keep kids and have questioned a time or two...is all this work worth it? But he keeps coming, keeps serving, and every time I go out there...he keeps smiling. I go back inside and lay a baby down or prepare a snack and am reminded...it takes a lot of hard work to put a new and better protecting roof on a house. It takes the same sweat, hard work, and smiles to put that kind of shield over a home. Home, the place my children learn and grown and try and fail and find grace and meet Jesus and begin their story. Home, where my I hope others enter and feel welcomed and loved and encouraged and cared for. Home, where I hope my family looks forward to coming back to at the end of their day and finds safety in a place where they can be just who they were designed to be.
Building a stable roof over our home is similar to the hard surface roof going up as I speak. I look back at how we've done our life with these kids and with each other and we've chosen the harder route for sure at times. We've sweat a lot and cried and worked hard, really hard, to make what we're building stand firm in something bigger then us. And we've questioned along the way...is all this worth it? We've had to redesign our lives many times to make it work better for our family and what we're trying to accomplish here with these little souls under our roof. As good men have just showed up to work side by side my smiling and sweaty father-in-law, I am reminded that with our home building we have so many that show up for the hard work in here too. This roof can't go up on it's own or with one man. Our home can't be built by our hands alone. We have very intentional people stepping in and sweating hard with us to make all this come together... both house roof and home roof.
Shingles are getting scraped off and new ones being placed over top. As I watched some of our best friends scrape and scrape ugly, worn, not working anymore shingles I felt like I was understanding a bit more why my Savior lets me sweat through hard times in life. He is getting ready to re-shingle, to place new ones, better ones over me. Shingles not doing their job, must go, and sometimes a complete new design must be built. All of this takes time and requires work, hard work. I find I question myself when it feels the dirtiest and on the hottest of days, but know the roof will stand in beauty one day soon as each hand has laid it's shingle right where it goes. It's a slow process that takes careful design, but the Designer I am letting lead me is a bit of a Genius of His own. I just need to keep showing up with a smile on my face, even when the day before was brutally hot and sweaty, and trust that all this hard work now is definitely worth it. I am slowly learning to let more in to help me raise our roof and humbled at the hands and feet that voluntarily show up to complete such a task.
Today is another hot day...but guess who showed up with a smile already? Yup. Guess I can too today as I help re-roof a bit of my own...
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
firefly summer
Summer has settled in all around us and I can't help but notice the signs that tell me it is a season for small wonders and simplicity. For some, summer brings long vacations and high adventure amusement parks and weekend road trips all bumped up against each other. For others, summer is quietly whispering its name across backyards and lazy mornings and the sparkle of firefly's as the sun goes down each night.
As a storm of a spring is settling down around here I am longing for the summer filled with simplicity. Don't get me wrong, this gal loves a good vacation and a little roller coaster from time to time... but these baby steps into summer are leading my heart towards days filled with the slow moments that let me see my kids each day, really see them, and hear the lull of the crickets at night as we sit in our back porch and watch the firefly's come out to play.
I believe there is a reason our Creator intends for us to have a regular Sabbath, a day of rest. I also really believe in sabbath like seasons. There are times when you need a day, no not a day, but days lined up against each other with the intentions of nothing really happening. The beauty though is that a lot happens on these days filled with "nothing". My slowest days are the days that I really sit down and finish that game of Candyland, really laugh with my kids and see deep into their souls as we sit and read a stack of books together as we swing back and forth on the ole' porch swing. On our slowest days we start the day on the outside porch and let the fuzzy blanket keep us warm huddled together while we make breakfast last an hour around that big table. These are the days where I can sit in the green grass and find cloud shapes and know my kids are laying next to me, content to be doing the same and not begging for something or someone to entertain them, simply because I've let myself be still and quiet right along side them. The slow summer days are ones where we sit down together for all our meals and find our way back to the yard for snacks while we chat about nothing in particular. There is no rush to be anywhere and the babe can nap whenever he wants and my heart is still. When the firefly's come out at night, we are there. Ready and willing to chase them.
This transition into summer is slow, but steady. I am making small plans and letting the days be filled with nothing so that big somethings can happen around this home. Somethings like us all really seeing and hearing and being together. Our tones in our voices say it all and the way my boys find my lap more naturally at the end of the day tell me that this summer with the firefly's is just what we needed. The beauty of firefly's is that they are small and go unnoticed to the hurried eye. But, to the one who stops and sees them and takes time to chase them finds that they bring much wonder and joy to the holder. Thank you summer for finding your way to us. As tradition lies here, we have made our to-do list for our summer and like most years many fun things have been added. The one I hold the dearest this season though is number 7...catch firefly's. I officially claim this our firefly summer. Happy summer to you all!
As a storm of a spring is settling down around here I am longing for the summer filled with simplicity. Don't get me wrong, this gal loves a good vacation and a little roller coaster from time to time... but these baby steps into summer are leading my heart towards days filled with the slow moments that let me see my kids each day, really see them, and hear the lull of the crickets at night as we sit in our back porch and watch the firefly's come out to play.
I believe there is a reason our Creator intends for us to have a regular Sabbath, a day of rest. I also really believe in sabbath like seasons. There are times when you need a day, no not a day, but days lined up against each other with the intentions of nothing really happening. The beauty though is that a lot happens on these days filled with "nothing". My slowest days are the days that I really sit down and finish that game of Candyland, really laugh with my kids and see deep into their souls as we sit and read a stack of books together as we swing back and forth on the ole' porch swing. On our slowest days we start the day on the outside porch and let the fuzzy blanket keep us warm huddled together while we make breakfast last an hour around that big table. These are the days where I can sit in the green grass and find cloud shapes and know my kids are laying next to me, content to be doing the same and not begging for something or someone to entertain them, simply because I've let myself be still and quiet right along side them. The slow summer days are ones where we sit down together for all our meals and find our way back to the yard for snacks while we chat about nothing in particular. There is no rush to be anywhere and the babe can nap whenever he wants and my heart is still. When the firefly's come out at night, we are there. Ready and willing to chase them.
This transition into summer is slow, but steady. I am making small plans and letting the days be filled with nothing so that big somethings can happen around this home. Somethings like us all really seeing and hearing and being together. Our tones in our voices say it all and the way my boys find my lap more naturally at the end of the day tell me that this summer with the firefly's is just what we needed. The beauty of firefly's is that they are small and go unnoticed to the hurried eye. But, to the one who stops and sees them and takes time to chase them finds that they bring much wonder and joy to the holder. Thank you summer for finding your way to us. As tradition lies here, we have made our to-do list for our summer and like most years many fun things have been added. The one I hold the dearest this season though is number 7...catch firefly's. I officially claim this our firefly summer. Happy summer to you all!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
the paper plate parable
Today I woke with a little more bounce in my step then the last couple weeks. The last day of school will do that for a mama! Getting to this spot has brought my heart so much respite. Like a weight lifted off my shoulder. After a long month of more then usual responsibilities, it is nice to let one thing fall off the plate. My son's 2nd grade year has come to a close and I think the whole family has been waiting for this day for some time! It was a tough year and while I didn't like the beginning of this journey very much, I feel so at home with where the beginning led us to. I have thoroughly enjoyed doing part time home-schooling. Ending 2nd grade with my boy who has spent his afternoons home with us the last 5 months is such a beautiful moment. I feel like we all tackled this year together, as a family. It was different and took more from me in the mom department, but the heart growth we've all had and the extra built in time for our relationships has been so, so good. The five of us have truly benefited from this structure for this season in our lives. I would do it again in a heart-beat if I had to choose.
In all the added things to our schedule the last few weeks and my total crash last weekend after exhausting every angle of myself, I have looked back at what I would do different...given the next time I decide to home-school, raise chickens, nurse a baby, start a business, do day-care, and all the normal stay-home mom stuff we all attempt to do everyday. Yes, I have definitely learned what NOT to do along the way this month!
This is where my paper plate parable comes in. Looking back, I had a lot of big things on my plate. And the pace was much faster then I ever intend to live my life. I knew going in that it would be a crazy few weeks. I didn't know it would almost swallow me whole when I was so close to the end. I should have been better prepared, like when I know a baby is arriving into our home soon and stock the hall cupboard with paper plates like they are going out of business at the paper plate factory.
Here is the truth. I will have another busy season like this short one this last month. Everybody has unusually busy seasons in their life. So often our commitments in our lives will intertwine a time or two and we will catch ourselves running very fast to keep up. It is okay to have a paper plate season every so often amongst your home. It is temporary and does not define who you are at that moment, but rather who you are working at becoming. A mom after God's own heart knows when to pull out the paper plates and when to serve with her best china. Paper plate seasons are all around us and I am fairly young in the parenting journey, thus I am positive I will find myself in another paper plate stage of life.
While I attempted to keep all my things afloat this last month, I became incredibly discouraged when so much of what I was doing felt like it was all falling around me. I really felt like I was not doing 1 thing in my life well. It was overwhelming and so frustrating and Satan loves getting me down to that place of discouragement and doubt. I should have gone into this season with my paper plates in stock.
Next time, I will let some little things go for a bit while I keep the bigger things of the moment moving ahead. I will use paper plates more and be okay making 10 lbs of taco meat to serve every which way you can name it. I will rent some good learning videos from the library and feel good throwing that in if I need some work time quick. I will set up "help days". Days already planned for my kids to go have fun some place else, with someone else, so I can get some work done. And be okay with that. I will say no to almost anything that comes up last minute, knowing I need to stay focused on whats already going on, and will not add to my commitments in the midst of over-committed mode. I will delegate when it comes to the house chores more. I enjoy serving my family in this area, usually. But when my mind and energy is being used up in other areas, I fail in this area miserably. A cluttered and messy home makes me feel anxious inside and I can imagine my family probably doesn't enjoy "relaxing" when there are old diapers sitting next to them and the chewed up tennis balls all amongst their feet and breakfast dishes still sitting smelling up the kitchen :) As for home-schooling...that's the beauty of homeschooling. You can take breaks when life gets moving faster then usual. Let that move down a bit on the list for a few weeks. It will still be there when this all passes! I will skip baths a bit more and know sending my dirty children to bed will not make them sleep worse or better. I will say yes to all offers of help. I will go to bed as soon as I can and get as much sleep as possible (those dirty clothes will still be there in the morning!).
Paper plate seasons will happen. I know the norm here is not paper plate mode. But, it doesn't hurt to let them take over for a bit while you keep your heart, mind, and body in a good place for yourself and your loved ones. For me to let go of a few little things while the load is heavy, lets me make the big things like our relationships and the tone of our home stay in tact. We're all going to have those times in our lives when the paper plates just need to be pulled out. And it is okay. For we all know that when those paper plates run out or aren't needed anymore, the brightly colored teal glass ones are anxiously awaiting to be used again and the people eating off of them will hardly have felt the difference.
In all the added things to our schedule the last few weeks and my total crash last weekend after exhausting every angle of myself, I have looked back at what I would do different...given the next time I decide to home-school, raise chickens, nurse a baby, start a business, do day-care, and all the normal stay-home mom stuff we all attempt to do everyday. Yes, I have definitely learned what NOT to do along the way this month!
This is where my paper plate parable comes in. Looking back, I had a lot of big things on my plate. And the pace was much faster then I ever intend to live my life. I knew going in that it would be a crazy few weeks. I didn't know it would almost swallow me whole when I was so close to the end. I should have been better prepared, like when I know a baby is arriving into our home soon and stock the hall cupboard with paper plates like they are going out of business at the paper plate factory.
Here is the truth. I will have another busy season like this short one this last month. Everybody has unusually busy seasons in their life. So often our commitments in our lives will intertwine a time or two and we will catch ourselves running very fast to keep up. It is okay to have a paper plate season every so often amongst your home. It is temporary and does not define who you are at that moment, but rather who you are working at becoming. A mom after God's own heart knows when to pull out the paper plates and when to serve with her best china. Paper plate seasons are all around us and I am fairly young in the parenting journey, thus I am positive I will find myself in another paper plate stage of life.
While I attempted to keep all my things afloat this last month, I became incredibly discouraged when so much of what I was doing felt like it was all falling around me. I really felt like I was not doing 1 thing in my life well. It was overwhelming and so frustrating and Satan loves getting me down to that place of discouragement and doubt. I should have gone into this season with my paper plates in stock.
Next time, I will let some little things go for a bit while I keep the bigger things of the moment moving ahead. I will use paper plates more and be okay making 10 lbs of taco meat to serve every which way you can name it. I will rent some good learning videos from the library and feel good throwing that in if I need some work time quick. I will set up "help days". Days already planned for my kids to go have fun some place else, with someone else, so I can get some work done. And be okay with that. I will say no to almost anything that comes up last minute, knowing I need to stay focused on whats already going on, and will not add to my commitments in the midst of over-committed mode. I will delegate when it comes to the house chores more. I enjoy serving my family in this area, usually. But when my mind and energy is being used up in other areas, I fail in this area miserably. A cluttered and messy home makes me feel anxious inside and I can imagine my family probably doesn't enjoy "relaxing" when there are old diapers sitting next to them and the chewed up tennis balls all amongst their feet and breakfast dishes still sitting smelling up the kitchen :) As for home-schooling...that's the beauty of homeschooling. You can take breaks when life gets moving faster then usual. Let that move down a bit on the list for a few weeks. It will still be there when this all passes! I will skip baths a bit more and know sending my dirty children to bed will not make them sleep worse or better. I will say yes to all offers of help. I will go to bed as soon as I can and get as much sleep as possible (those dirty clothes will still be there in the morning!).
Paper plate seasons will happen. I know the norm here is not paper plate mode. But, it doesn't hurt to let them take over for a bit while you keep your heart, mind, and body in a good place for yourself and your loved ones. For me to let go of a few little things while the load is heavy, lets me make the big things like our relationships and the tone of our home stay in tact. We're all going to have those times in our lives when the paper plates just need to be pulled out. And it is okay. For we all know that when those paper plates run out or aren't needed anymore, the brightly colored teal glass ones are anxiously awaiting to be used again and the people eating off of them will hardly have felt the difference.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
the ugly truth
Day 23. I knew this month was going to be hard. And I am at day 23. It is feeling very hard right about now. Hard to keep going strong with Jaxon's home-schooling in the afternoon's, hard to finish well with my daycare kids and be sure they get to enjoy the spring season of gardening and backyard fun and science experiments and learning about being a little seed themselves that God is growing all the time that I usually make happen at my house this time of year, hard to find time to pay attention to my husband...real attention, not the kind where I just nod my head and pretend I am listening to him at the end of the day even though my brain is zapped and my body is exhausted, hard to really be mentally available for my kids as I juggle a bazillion details through my head each day and go to bed missing them like crazy because I feel like I was never really "with" them during the day, hard to find alone and quiet time to be with my Lord and let Him fill me up when I grow weary, hard to make meal times a happy and much looked forward to part of our day here, hard to find time to wash clothes and clean house and weed gardens and put winter clothes away while spring ones just get piled on top in over-flowing drawers, hard to launch a business and do it well, hard to get to church, hard to see my friends, hard to be available for anything out of the normal, hard to make the money needed to pay the bills. Whew. May just was going to be hard, but I was up for the task....so I thought. So I think?
But the ugly gut wrenching truth is I am exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed and sleep deprived (which makes EVERYTHING seem way worse then it usually is). I have so much on my plate that I feel like I am doing none of them well. At all. And the things that matter the most to me are getting the worst of me. I truly believe God does not intend for us to live our lives in the "busy" lane all the time. And for good reason, as that pace leaves you with no reserves when things really get hard. I hate feeling like my first response when someone asks me is "busy". I don't like this pace of life and while being busy with a healthy amount of things is good, being so busy that you are missing life is bad. And I feel like I am missing life right now.
I know I have a lot of things on my plate and I knew this month of crossing responsibilities a bit was going to stretch me. I have hit panic mode a few times and feel a bit lost in the fog at the moment. Starting a new business is tough stuff, on top of normal everyday duties, and not seeing quick results for months of hard work has left me really confused about God's calling for me and my family. That frustrates me because I hate to waste anything and I especially hate things that waste my time or anyone else's time. You can't get time back. In all my frustrations I have found my heart is a bit bitter and it just leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. Bitterness is an evil root and once it sets in it can leave a very ugly open wound. In the fog I am losing sight of the things in my life I am so thankful for, I am losing my grateful heart, and just a little frustrated with my current spot. That thing that happens to me when life changes too quick on me is happening...I freeze, I panic, I stop. I become afraid to move forward. Instead of being energized I am becoming numb and paralyzed. Doing nothing is worse then trying something!!
I feel dried up. I was feeling this way when I went to bed last night and I awoke very early today trying to let God speak to me a bit, to calm my anxious heart. I started to remember the story in 1 Kings when Elijah had to depend on God to provide food and water for him, literally. Elijah depended on God's gifts to survive, but eventually the brook dried up and Elijah had to depend on God himself, not the things he thought he needed to survive. God blesses us with provisions daily and sometimes I recognize them and some days I don't. The important thing I am learning is to not panic when those provisions dry up. Bad time to question God's goodness for my life. Instead I want to trust God himself that he will provide a new source...a new way. I am in a foggy place and have had my eyes squeezed tight a couple times during this hard stage. But I am peeking them open, slowly, trying to see past the fog to the light that I am sure is just ahead. Frustrated or not, God has me here at this moment and I want to be wise with what He has put before me. I want to finish well. Only 8 more days!
I am not writing this to get sympathy votes or for anyone to feel bad for me. I write this ugly truth post because it's real and it's what moms go through and it is just life. And we're all here at some time or another and I don't want to sugar-coat it. Life is just hard at times and those hard moments do not have to define us. I know life will slow down, I know God will care for me and my family, I know His plan is meant to be good and hopeful. Hard moments stretch us and make us better and I am all for that. I just don't always like the growing pains that come with it and most of all, I hope that in the long run that relationships aren't left uncared for for too long while I try to see my way into the clearing. 8 days and counting...
But the ugly gut wrenching truth is I am exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed and sleep deprived (which makes EVERYTHING seem way worse then it usually is). I have so much on my plate that I feel like I am doing none of them well. At all. And the things that matter the most to me are getting the worst of me. I truly believe God does not intend for us to live our lives in the "busy" lane all the time. And for good reason, as that pace leaves you with no reserves when things really get hard. I hate feeling like my first response when someone asks me is "busy". I don't like this pace of life and while being busy with a healthy amount of things is good, being so busy that you are missing life is bad. And I feel like I am missing life right now.
I know I have a lot of things on my plate and I knew this month of crossing responsibilities a bit was going to stretch me. I have hit panic mode a few times and feel a bit lost in the fog at the moment. Starting a new business is tough stuff, on top of normal everyday duties, and not seeing quick results for months of hard work has left me really confused about God's calling for me and my family. That frustrates me because I hate to waste anything and I especially hate things that waste my time or anyone else's time. You can't get time back. In all my frustrations I have found my heart is a bit bitter and it just leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. Bitterness is an evil root and once it sets in it can leave a very ugly open wound. In the fog I am losing sight of the things in my life I am so thankful for, I am losing my grateful heart, and just a little frustrated with my current spot. That thing that happens to me when life changes too quick on me is happening...I freeze, I panic, I stop. I become afraid to move forward. Instead of being energized I am becoming numb and paralyzed. Doing nothing is worse then trying something!!
I feel dried up. I was feeling this way when I went to bed last night and I awoke very early today trying to let God speak to me a bit, to calm my anxious heart. I started to remember the story in 1 Kings when Elijah had to depend on God to provide food and water for him, literally. Elijah depended on God's gifts to survive, but eventually the brook dried up and Elijah had to depend on God himself, not the things he thought he needed to survive. God blesses us with provisions daily and sometimes I recognize them and some days I don't. The important thing I am learning is to not panic when those provisions dry up. Bad time to question God's goodness for my life. Instead I want to trust God himself that he will provide a new source...a new way. I am in a foggy place and have had my eyes squeezed tight a couple times during this hard stage. But I am peeking them open, slowly, trying to see past the fog to the light that I am sure is just ahead. Frustrated or not, God has me here at this moment and I want to be wise with what He has put before me. I want to finish well. Only 8 more days!
I am not writing this to get sympathy votes or for anyone to feel bad for me. I write this ugly truth post because it's real and it's what moms go through and it is just life. And we're all here at some time or another and I don't want to sugar-coat it. Life is just hard at times and those hard moments do not have to define us. I know life will slow down, I know God will care for me and my family, I know His plan is meant to be good and hopeful. Hard moments stretch us and make us better and I am all for that. I just don't always like the growing pains that come with it and most of all, I hope that in the long run that relationships aren't left uncared for for too long while I try to see my way into the clearing. 8 days and counting...
Monday, May 7, 2012
from there to here
Like a weather man predicts a good rain storm coming our way, I knew that spring time around here would feel a bit stormy at times. But like many good storms, we usually needed the rain and a few days later the grass is always greener, flowers are blooming, and the world seems suddenly more beautiful after a good rain. If you've read earlier in my blog posts, you also know I have been feeling this nudge to be a bit more courageous in my faith, for my family, or with my heart. It's scary to try new things and I am so slow to adapt to big changes. Things sound exciting to me until it starts happening and then I panic a bit inside. I doubt and sometimes doubting freezes my good intentions and I do nothing to move forward. Well, I'm trying really hard to not let my doubts, fears, and unknowns paralyze me. These last few months I've just decided to jump, to take leaps of faith and see where it lands me. And so I am going from there to here these days...
First of all, these little years of my children are days I have prayed for since before I was married. I prayed for my future children and looked forward to these mommy days like little boys dream of being football stars. Now that it is here I am loving it, but also living in reality of making it work with things that also happen when you get grown-up responsibilities put on you besides just being a mama. Bills have to be paid some how, children have to be trained some how, relationships have to be nurtured some how, others must be served some how, houses need cleaning, meals made, and growing must be allowed. Being a mama also means holding onto some sort of identity other then being called "mom", even though most days that is all I really care to be called.
As I slowly stepped out of the fog of having a new baby I was seeing that there were just some things I wanted to be courageous about. Things that held a lot of value for me, but at the moment my current circumstances were making it hard to achieve. I'm slowly getting an everyday perspective that this life here is very temporary and what I do today really matters in the long haul. How I spend my hours is pretty important, considering it could be my or my family member's last minutes at any given time. For as much as I prayed for these years with little ones, I didn't want to waste them.
These thoughts started to lean hard on my heart and I slowly started to make some decisions in favor of establishing some good new rythems to how we function here as a family, growing up little hearts for Jesus and getting to know our Savior more ourselves. The first big leap was going to part time home-schooling. God has honored this choice and made it work really well for our family right now. I love what it has done for my relationship with Jax and his over-all growth. Another leap was getting chickens. I am serious. My middle son is a lover of animals and I saw an opportune moment to really hone in on some of his gifts and use the caring of animals as a great lesson in life in many areas. Seems silly and like ridiculous extra work, but at this house with this kid, it's worth it. And maybe the biggest leap of all... starting a whole new job. I have worked in the arena of early-childhood for 11 years. Teaching and doing in-home daycare in some way or another since I graduated from college. While I have a huge passion for leading the little ones, loving on them, and preparing them for the next big years as a child, I knew as we added a 3rd child of our own that this sort of job for me was really going to stretch how well I could balance family and work. So when I had a friend ask me if I had thought about starting my home-made baby-food business lately, I first laughed it off and then started to really give it some serious thought.
How did I get here you might ask? Any one who knows me well, knows I enjoy being in the kitchen and bringing good food to those I love. I love what gathering around a table with others does for relationships and I love reaching people's hearts through the art of a good meal. I think eating well is important, but I also know eating something especially tasty can make a bad day seem alright again. I have made my babies first bites from the beginning, have enjoyed teaching my friends and family how to serve up some fresh baby bites, and love sharing those first experiences with baby and food with others. I've never thought of myself as someone with the ability to start my own business or offer something special, but a little nudging from a few friends, a good support from my hubs, and asking God to lead the way has led me to this new adventure called Mama Made.
I had no idea where to start or how or when. A friend mentioned the farmers market circuit and I started to really explore that avenue. Praying hard as I tip-toed forward with this idea, I actually started to see it start to take shape and become more than an idea, but an actual means to an ending that I wanted for my family. I have been overly blessed with the amount of help I've had to get this off the ground. My incredibly talented friends and family have stepped in to offer their skills to help make this business idea come to life. One step after the other started to fall into place and before I knew it, I was standing in my very own farmers market booth next to my best partner ever, my sweet sis-in-law, Heidi. Getting to that place was a lot of hard work. A lot. I would lie to say it wasn't really hard at times and there were moments I wanted to just quit. But, I also am holding onto the truth that I knew this was going to be a crazy spring, May especially. The work/family balance feels really off centered right now, but I know we'll be sitting in green grasses and seeing the beautiful flowers soon...after the storm is over. At least I am trusting God's leading right now and hoping that is the outcome!
I have been forced to really get out of my comfort zone as I move ahead with this. I have had to ask for help, specific help, which is hard for me. I have had to let some things slide for a bit while I worked to get some of these other things going. I have had to let my friends and family see me frazzled and exhausted and unsure of myself. I have had to stay up really late, say no to other things, turn my TV on more then usual for my kids while I worked, make tacos to eat for days in a row, let my laundry pile up to the ceiling, and just barely keep things afloat at times while I did all I could to get this off the ground. I am learning lots, tons actually. And if this business is nothing more then a step into something else eventually, then I know that I have given my all into this plan for now, God has opened doors, and I am jumping with my eyes wide open to any and all possibilities. My biggest worry is that I will let too much space get between my relationships with my family and friends while I go ahead full throttle for a short bit. And that all this work now, will hurt any relationships in the long run.
I really want these new adventures to be a good, good thing for our family. To allow for a better home focused way of life where I have more time to train and be with my own children. A routine where I go to bed at night feeling good about how I spent my day with my family, where I am with friends and family outside of this home, and connected to Jesus. I want my hours to count in the right way, so when this temporary home becomes my past, I can look back and know I spent it wisely and in the light of the Lord.
I am so thankful for the relationships in my life that have helped me get to this place. My life is a puzzle put together with people from many places along the journey. I know God uses these people to help mold me...my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, and sometimes total strangers with short encounters. I am excited about where this crazy season of trying new things could take us as a family. I'm also a bit scared about what it could do. So time will tell, but for now I know I am moving from there to here...
First of all, these little years of my children are days I have prayed for since before I was married. I prayed for my future children and looked forward to these mommy days like little boys dream of being football stars. Now that it is here I am loving it, but also living in reality of making it work with things that also happen when you get grown-up responsibilities put on you besides just being a mama. Bills have to be paid some how, children have to be trained some how, relationships have to be nurtured some how, others must be served some how, houses need cleaning, meals made, and growing must be allowed. Being a mama also means holding onto some sort of identity other then being called "mom", even though most days that is all I really care to be called.
As I slowly stepped out of the fog of having a new baby I was seeing that there were just some things I wanted to be courageous about. Things that held a lot of value for me, but at the moment my current circumstances were making it hard to achieve. I'm slowly getting an everyday perspective that this life here is very temporary and what I do today really matters in the long haul. How I spend my hours is pretty important, considering it could be my or my family member's last minutes at any given time. For as much as I prayed for these years with little ones, I didn't want to waste them.
These thoughts started to lean hard on my heart and I slowly started to make some decisions in favor of establishing some good new rythems to how we function here as a family, growing up little hearts for Jesus and getting to know our Savior more ourselves. The first big leap was going to part time home-schooling. God has honored this choice and made it work really well for our family right now. I love what it has done for my relationship with Jax and his over-all growth. Another leap was getting chickens. I am serious. My middle son is a lover of animals and I saw an opportune moment to really hone in on some of his gifts and use the caring of animals as a great lesson in life in many areas. Seems silly and like ridiculous extra work, but at this house with this kid, it's worth it. And maybe the biggest leap of all... starting a whole new job. I have worked in the arena of early-childhood for 11 years. Teaching and doing in-home daycare in some way or another since I graduated from college. While I have a huge passion for leading the little ones, loving on them, and preparing them for the next big years as a child, I knew as we added a 3rd child of our own that this sort of job for me was really going to stretch how well I could balance family and work. So when I had a friend ask me if I had thought about starting my home-made baby-food business lately, I first laughed it off and then started to really give it some serious thought.
How did I get here you might ask? Any one who knows me well, knows I enjoy being in the kitchen and bringing good food to those I love. I love what gathering around a table with others does for relationships and I love reaching people's hearts through the art of a good meal. I think eating well is important, but I also know eating something especially tasty can make a bad day seem alright again. I have made my babies first bites from the beginning, have enjoyed teaching my friends and family how to serve up some fresh baby bites, and love sharing those first experiences with baby and food with others. I've never thought of myself as someone with the ability to start my own business or offer something special, but a little nudging from a few friends, a good support from my hubs, and asking God to lead the way has led me to this new adventure called Mama Made.
I had no idea where to start or how or when. A friend mentioned the farmers market circuit and I started to really explore that avenue. Praying hard as I tip-toed forward with this idea, I actually started to see it start to take shape and become more than an idea, but an actual means to an ending that I wanted for my family. I have been overly blessed with the amount of help I've had to get this off the ground. My incredibly talented friends and family have stepped in to offer their skills to help make this business idea come to life. One step after the other started to fall into place and before I knew it, I was standing in my very own farmers market booth next to my best partner ever, my sweet sis-in-law, Heidi. Getting to that place was a lot of hard work. A lot. I would lie to say it wasn't really hard at times and there were moments I wanted to just quit. But, I also am holding onto the truth that I knew this was going to be a crazy spring, May especially. The work/family balance feels really off centered right now, but I know we'll be sitting in green grasses and seeing the beautiful flowers soon...after the storm is over. At least I am trusting God's leading right now and hoping that is the outcome!
I have been forced to really get out of my comfort zone as I move ahead with this. I have had to ask for help, specific help, which is hard for me. I have had to let some things slide for a bit while I worked to get some of these other things going. I have had to let my friends and family see me frazzled and exhausted and unsure of myself. I have had to stay up really late, say no to other things, turn my TV on more then usual for my kids while I worked, make tacos to eat for days in a row, let my laundry pile up to the ceiling, and just barely keep things afloat at times while I did all I could to get this off the ground. I am learning lots, tons actually. And if this business is nothing more then a step into something else eventually, then I know that I have given my all into this plan for now, God has opened doors, and I am jumping with my eyes wide open to any and all possibilities. My biggest worry is that I will let too much space get between my relationships with my family and friends while I go ahead full throttle for a short bit. And that all this work now, will hurt any relationships in the long run.
I really want these new adventures to be a good, good thing for our family. To allow for a better home focused way of life where I have more time to train and be with my own children. A routine where I go to bed at night feeling good about how I spent my day with my family, where I am with friends and family outside of this home, and connected to Jesus. I want my hours to count in the right way, so when this temporary home becomes my past, I can look back and know I spent it wisely and in the light of the Lord.
I am so thankful for the relationships in my life that have helped me get to this place. My life is a puzzle put together with people from many places along the journey. I know God uses these people to help mold me...my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, and sometimes total strangers with short encounters. I am excited about where this crazy season of trying new things could take us as a family. I'm also a bit scared about what it could do. So time will tell, but for now I know I am moving from there to here...
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