Wednesday, May 23, 2012

the ugly truth

Day 23. I knew this month was going to be hard. And I am at day 23. It is feeling very hard right about now. Hard to keep going strong with Jaxon's home-schooling in the afternoon's, hard to finish well with my daycare kids and be sure they get to enjoy the spring season of gardening and backyard fun and science experiments and learning about being a little seed themselves that God is growing all the time that I usually make happen at my house this time of year, hard to find time to pay attention to my husband...real attention, not the kind where I just nod my head and pretend I am listening to him at the end of the day even though my brain is zapped and my body is exhausted, hard to really be mentally available for my kids as I juggle a bazillion details through my head each day and go to bed missing them like crazy because I feel like I was never really "with" them during the day, hard to find alone and quiet time to be with my Lord and let Him fill me up when I grow weary, hard to make meal times a happy and much looked forward to part of our day here, hard to find time to wash clothes and clean house and weed gardens and put winter clothes away while spring ones just get piled on top in over-flowing drawers, hard to launch a business and do it well, hard to get to church, hard to see my friends, hard to be available for anything out of the normal, hard to make the money needed to pay the bills. Whew. May just was going to be hard, but I was up for the I thought. So I think?

But the ugly gut wrenching truth is I am exhausted and frustrated and overwhelmed and sleep deprived (which makes EVERYTHING seem way worse then it usually is). I have so much on my plate that I feel like I am doing none of them well. At all. And the things that matter the most to me are getting the worst of me. I truly believe God does not intend for us to live our lives in the "busy" lane all the time. And for good reason, as that pace leaves you with no reserves when things really get hard. I hate feeling like my first response when someone asks me is "busy". I don't like this pace of life and while being busy with a healthy amount of things is good, being so busy that you are missing life is bad. And I feel like I am missing life right now.

I know I have a lot of things on my plate and I knew this month of crossing responsibilities a bit was going to stretch me. I have hit panic mode a few times and feel a bit lost in the fog at the moment. Starting a new business is tough stuff, on top of normal everyday duties, and not seeing quick results for months of hard work has left me really confused about God's calling for me and my family. That frustrates me because I hate to waste anything and I especially hate things that waste my time or anyone else's time. You can't get time back. In all my frustrations I have found my heart is a bit bitter and it just leaves a yucky taste in my mouth. Bitterness is an evil root and once it sets in it can leave a very ugly open wound. In the fog I am losing sight of the things in my life I am so thankful for, I am losing my grateful heart, and just a little frustrated with my current spot. That thing that happens to me when life changes too quick on me is happening...I freeze, I panic, I stop. I become afraid to move forward. Instead of being energized I am becoming numb and paralyzed. Doing nothing is worse then trying something!!

I feel dried up. I was feeling this way when I went to bed last night and I awoke very early today trying to let God speak to me a bit, to calm my anxious heart. I started to remember the story in 1 Kings when Elijah had to depend on God to provide food and water for him, literally. Elijah depended on God's gifts to survive, but eventually the brook dried up and Elijah had to depend on God himself, not the things he thought he needed to survive. God blesses us with provisions daily and sometimes I recognize them and some days I don't. The important thing I am learning is to not panic when those provisions dry up. Bad time to question God's goodness for my life. Instead I want to trust God himself that he will provide a new source...a new way. I am in a foggy place and have had my eyes squeezed tight a couple times during this hard stage. But I am peeking them open, slowly, trying to see past the fog to the light that I am sure is just ahead. Frustrated or not, God has me here at this moment and I want to be wise with what He has put before me. I want to finish well. Only 8 more days!

I am not writing this to get sympathy votes or for anyone to feel bad for me. I write this ugly truth post because it's real and it's what moms go through and it is just life. And we're all here at some time or another and I don't want to sugar-coat it. Life is just hard at times and those hard moments do not have to define us. I know life will slow down, I know God will care for me and my family, I know His plan is meant to be good and hopeful. Hard moments stretch us and make us better and I am all for that. I just don't always like the growing pains that come with it and most of all, I hope that in the long run that relationships aren't left uncared for for too long while I try to see my way into the clearing. 8 days and counting...

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