Thursday, July 12, 2012

finding beautiful

My baby's first birthday stands just days away and I've been pausing more recently to stop and look back at the trail that trickles behind us as we get ready to celebrate such a little addition to our home. Really, the trail we've walked along has been a rather foggy one and I'm not sure I have seen some of the landmarks along the way. Walking in fog is hard enough as one can't see if the road is still there or if you've stepped off the path, but running through fog is even scarier, as one is sure to trip and fall down if not once, but maybe many times. As the sweet baby boy came home almost a year ago, I know I didn't even realize that the fog was setting in. Through my "just fallen in love" eyes, I began a light jog down a path. Somewhere along that path the fog was so heavy and the pace I had made me desperate to catch a breath. I ran through stop signs maybe and  forgot to yield when things were coming my way. All the while, I stopped seeing what was around me and could only feel the sweat running down my back as I ran hard to stay on a path I thought was the right one. And maybe it is, but I can't see clearly. And it's hard to make the right turns when you just can't see. As I have ran through the thick dense fog I've lost sight of the beautiful landmarks that line the road...the little yellow flowers or the new blossoms on the trees. The sun rays shining across the blue sky and the drops of rain hanging onto the green leaves. The little things that make our world beautiful. When I pause and see beauty, I find my heart speaks truth to my head and once again I can start to see clearly and pass my vision onto my children.

Today I sit to write this post, a little scared that I might let myself be too honest. I am timely reading through Ann Voskamp's book, A Thousand Gifts, and it really resonates with me when she says "that moving the ink across the page opens up the eyes". John Piper says it too, "that there are eyes in pencils and pens". I get what they are saying, I think, and find beauty as I let the writing of my heart have its way. Healing or an open door to seeing, fog lights for a dreary day..I'm not sure? Maybe a little of both. 

In running through the fog I've found myself in a clearing. Not sure how I landed here, but I am here. A place where I can stop and let the fog pass a bit before I walk again. I am on a journey to find beautiful again. I know it is always around me and the gifts I see daily don't always whisper to my heart though. I see, but I don't see. I don't let my soul slow down enough to really feel the gifts surround me and lead my thoughts toward beautiful, just as God created all these such things. I'm looking for whats right in front of me. I just can't open my eyes all the way. I am hoping my pen will guide my vision. Chin up, I am looking for it. The beautiful.

I am challenged by Ann's list of 1000 gifts. I feel it making a difference in my heart as I sketch out a mental list in my head. So I am going to jump in and see where my own list can lead me. I want to see beautiful along each road my life leads me down. I want to notice the simple gifts that surround me and let my heart be thankful in every way, so I can keep my eyes on the beauty and not let the fog block it out again. I have no time-frame and I'm just looking...and writing them down. In my little flowered note-book, chosen for it's empty pages and potential to change my life. I believe my path can be made beautiful again. I know I can find it. I want to see it on clear sunny days and be able to train my eyes to see it through the foggy too. It's been created for us and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. Only 3 pages into my little note-book and I can already feel the mind squinting through the fog to see clearer, to pick out the beauty in the distance... only it's not that far away. It's been right by me all along. I'm just only starting to see again...

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