If you ever wondered if there was someone out to get you, it's true. And if you're lucky...you maybe have experienced a few people out and after your heart. A wooing boy who catches you and becomes your husband. A friend who was relentless to make a connection with you and loves you even after she really knows you. A loving God who created you and wants you to come home. A selfish spirit who wants you for his own evil plans. All of these are true for me. And some days, I'm not careful of who I hand my heart over to.
The battle that happens within is often left unspoken of. But it is one I know is there. I see it when I look at myself, feel it when I breathe, and it follows me...everywhere.
From my first awake minutes of the day and through the hours that build a week and as the pages turn into the new year...I feel the pull between good and evil to chase me down. The battles that fill my heart might not be yours, might wear different clothes...but it is what breaks your soul that gives the one fighting for it a place to sit on your heart.
Mine wears a mask of anxiety. A feeling like nobody hears my gasps for air. That there is no clear road out of the tunnel of fog. That the pages in the book never get written and my life might go on purposeless. A battle between being who I have to be and who I was made to be. A place that leaves me jittery and shaken and unsure.
Maybe you wear something else when you look in the mirror?
If it weren't for the promise I know is true in my heart, my mind would give into the ugliness that wants to cover me. The promise of hope...love...grace. It dresses me up like a girl headed to the ball. I don't always feel like that girl though. Some days the ragged old, worn out, hand me downs get left on me. And as hard as I try to take it off, I can't seem to find anything else to wear. Nobody wants to wear the left-overs everyday. Nobody wants to hand their heart over when they feel ugly.
I try to start small. I slowly replace one piece with another...
Truth to listen to. Space to breathe. Lights to lead the way. A sounding cry. A piece of me written down. Lived out. Wings to fly.
And before long, I have a beautiful attire covering me again. A honest view to live through. When the feelings of anxiety want to dress me, I remind myself that I have some beautiful accessories hanging in my closet. Maybe you do too? Maybe you don't know they are there? Maybe you don't know what they are?
Somebody is always fighting to be there when we look in the mirror and see ourselves. Someone is always out to get me, to get us. I know my heart is being chased after. I'd dress for the occasion, but I don't always realize the chase is on. I live and I do life and sometimes I just find myself wearing the mask of anxiety...again and again. If being clothed in His love for my life would just stay hanging on me, I'd throw the mask away... But I don't always wear what I should.
So for today, I write to say that I have been spoken for. So thank you very much to all those pursuing my heart, but I've given mine away and He has dressed me at this moment to wear the only thing that I seem to forget over and over.... His perfect love. His perfect grace.
And the mask of anxiety comes off... My soul breaks, He fills it this time. He wins. For today.