I am not sure where to start this story, as I'm not sure where the beginning is. But somewhere between green leaves budding out of the trees and those very same leaves falling to the ground, my heart was forever changing. To feel the seasons of life leave its imprint on my heart has been one of my greatest gifts. The sense that what has been and what is to come all has been linked through the simple truth of the Lord's steadfast presence along the way, no matter how near or far I have been. As I turn around and look back, I see what He has done...what He might be doing and what He can do.
To carry life again this time around feels like a huge blanket of grace has been laid over me. I slowly stepped out of a season of life leaving me very frail, broken, and tired. I wasn't sure who I had become through the process, but knew I was walking away from that season into a newer season...a different gal, a better version of myself with a heart open to anything He set before me. Willing hands ready to serve and feet ready to walk anywhere, filled with his grace as I found His joy through the things often unseen by the naked eye.
I can't really explain what I spent much of my time doing in the midst of leaves growing and falling, but along that time frame, I knew I was preparing for something. My home, my body, my heart. I could feel Him calling me to be still and know He was God as I found peace in that stillness. I was cautiously going forward, a bit fearful of what may lay ahead and yet thankful to be walking again at all.
As I prepared and followed, I knew that there was something more to come... and then it happened. After years of off and on infertility and lost babies and while I was breastfeeding, the smallest miracle happened... God breathed life into me. Not just the form of life through a baby...but the kind that speaks to my heart each day telling me I was made for more and that I was worthy and that He was not done with me yet. While I spent time close to Him he prepared not only my home, my heart, and my body...but He prepared my ways for me so that all I could do was simply follow with no looking back. To be honest, at one moment in all my blind preparing I thought He was getting me ready to make some changes within our home. I thought he was leading me to homeschooling full time and was mentally letting my head be encouraged by me heart's nudges that something bigger was coming.
The day I learned I was carrying new life was a day of a little bit of shock, but mostly a day of humble, humble knowing. This was it. This is what was next, even when I thought I was barely doing God any glory with the first blessings He had given me. Where I had been did not define who I could become. And this new little life forming fearfully and wonderfully in my womb was proof that God gives and God takes away and even in both places, He shows us His grace through his gifts. His gifts. They are always here...if you can't see them...you are not looking close enough.
I am beyond humbled and grateful to be carrying this little life. When I learned I was carrying a daughter, I was all alone. And in my time by myself I carried this secret and found God again. Steadfast, always. I decided to keep this secret until Christmas morning and surprise my husband and boys. I spent a few weeks with my secret knowing this time with just me and baby girl was not timeless. But I dreamed about her and talked to God about her and thanked her for already making me more of who God wants me to be. For she has come into my life when I have learned that my purpose is only as valuable as I let God make it. It is always valuable in His eyes...it is my own that I must not lose sight of. So I will wait for this little girl to arrive knowing I was made for such a time as this. And when she comes and I first hold her, I will know that He gives and takes away and no matter where I am that day or the days following...I was made for Him. And as a mother, I was made for her. And all of them who have grown in the same womb before her. Always and forever with a purpose just for Him. And always and forever receiving his grace. She is my grace gift...my first little girl.