good-bye summer

The cooler nights are moving in and it makes me crack the windows as my little ones rest their heads on their pillows after a long day in the sun. The curtains in my room blow a little toward me from the gentle breeze as I drift asleep and I am reminded that the wind is not the only thing blowing through my home these days. New seasons are waiting to welcome me into the next place in life. This season that is gently blowing in sends two out of three boys off to school and I remember thinking that this year, this fall, this time in our lives was so far away not that long ago. My pattern for this time of year is to stretch my summer out as long as possible, but the rather slow pace I created for myself the weeks leading up had me feeling actually ready for the school days to begin and the pool days to end. The slower pace let me indulge in lazy mornings with my kids and long afternoons out back. I found my days ended with my cup over-flowing instead of begging for one more drop. As the gentle fall breeze moves in, I find I am looking forward to what is to come instead of looking back at what has already gone by.

The summer started off in a big spinning circle and by the end of June I was feeling a strong sense to slow down and stop. So that is what I did. Looking ahead at that time I knew I wouldn't move into the next season well if I didn't change the rate at what I was going about my days before the apples started turning red and the leaves began to fall. On these days tucked away at home I made some space for my soul to rest and be present in the here and now. I carved out time to carefully prepare and create our home to be ready for this new season. I ignored the urgent matters and paid attention to the important things. I said no to a lot, but in the process of turning many things away, I said yes to so much more that was happening within my 4 walls over here in our neighborhood.

I want to do these little years with my children well. This requires some very intentional planning, some humor, and a lot of daily grace. It also requires that I have made time for myself to be available to hear my own Father lead me, to not take myself too seriously, and to give myself some room to grow.  As I am not nearly done with my own little flock of boys, neither is my Father finished with me.  So slow and steady is where I find I am best nurtured, taught, and ready for whatever comes along in these ever-changing seasons. Not only have I made plans for the crew living under my roof these days, but I have very much included myself in these intentional nurturing days. When I find my bed at night and feel that cool autumn breeze blowing in, I greet it with welcome arms. I am still. I can feel he is God. I can trust I am walking into a place ready for whats next.

Instead of dragging my feet and trying to avoid a rather painful goodbye to summer, I am opening those windows and letting this new season blow in. My heart feels ready, my home feels like home, and my daily minutes are ready for whats next. Goodbye's are not forever...just a see ya later. This season will be back and with it comes a new joy looking ahead with arms open ready to greet an old friend.  Good-bye summer...see ya soon.

a fresh start

Today marks the first day of school for our 3rd grader who has spent his summer swimming, playing with friends, helping around the house, learning to bake, working on the roof, time with cousins, caring for his animals, VBS, bike riding, visiting the neighbors, playing with the neighbor church kids, and growing tall. He has caught fish and twirled sparklers and built sand castles and nurtured a garden and baked brownies. His days have been filled as he has been blessed to enjoy a leisury summer as an 8 year old boy. He was fully ready for today and my heart was at peace knowing he was prepared to begin a new year. A fresh start.

In the world of parenting I continue to keep up with how fast the seasons change. God created our world in 6 days and I suppose it was his intentions from the beginning for things to change, to see new seasons and for things to not just stay the same. He moved quick and with perfection. But He was focused and purposeful. I am slowly accepting that life changes at rapid speeds. It's not so much the change that gets me at times, but the pace. The pace at what I live it. My son enjoyed a rather slow paced summer and on the day that it was time to shift seasons, he was prepared. I have found myself in a place that has me still, nurturing my heart, my mind, my body after a too-fast paced stage that left me worn out and weary.

I recently had almost an entire day to myself. This is a rare, rare treat. A whole day to myself, in my home, all by myself. I love my family and my animals, but sometimes I just want everybody to get out :) I spent the day finishing up some projects, listening to my favorite music, totally gutting and cleaning out closets, counters, and drawers, eating chocolate for lunch, and drinking Arnold Palmers all day. It was beautiful. I accomplished so much outwardly, but inwardly I found good clarity too. The past year my home had become a cluttered mess...my rather fussy non-sleeping baby with repeat ear infections, new jobs for both my hubs and me, a rough year for my 2nd grader, and a pace that had me in survival mode had created a very cluttered home. It honestly overwhelms me to have such chaos around me and when my outside atmosphere is that way, my inside feels about the same. So it was no question that a whole day to myself in my home may have been the best day ever...okay, that is slightly exaggerated...but it.was.awesome!

As I worked quietly in my home I thought about the time, energy, and planning it took to run a smooth home for a family of five who would enjoy spending their time here and want to end their day in this place. A place where they truly felt like home was "home, sweet home". As I purposely filled those hours, I also thought about what living a clutter-free life looked like too. Clutter sometimes goes unrecognized because it can often be good clutter. I have spent the last 6 weeks clearing my daily calenders from most things outside my home to create an empty slate for my heart, body, and mind. I have really purposely focused my energy on the immediate needs of our family and tried to make a clear path for whats next. I've had to say no to many things and its been hard. Really hard. Friends have had babies, gotten married, had hard things happen, church has called for volunteering, school has sent out PTA cards, dinner parties have happened, and park play-dates been set-up... but I have had to say no to most of it. I wasn't sure which way I was going most days, so in order to find the starting place so I could carefully go forward again, I stopped almost everything. I did not feel ready for the first day of anything, unlike my son, ready to walk his new journey confidant in where he was.

Today my home feels a little more comfortable and a lot less cluttered. My heart is feeling similar. I am not jumping into anything yet, as I need to stay in this place of de-cluttering while my heart finds the starting line again. I am finding that these days I spend doing just what is required of me in the role as mom and wife that I am leaving space to truly see and hear. See the things that went by so foggy for so long, hear the things that came muffled to me during a cluttered life stage. In this place of de-cluttering my heart feels thankfulness in a new way and sees beauty as God created it. Seeing is believing and hearing is truth. Truth is pressed upon my heart today as I send my boy off to school and feel His peace upon my heart. A fresh start for more then one here, in this less cluttered home these days.

finding beautiful

My baby's first birthday stands just days away and I've been pausing more recently to stop and look back at the trail that trickles behind us as we get ready to celebrate such a little addition to our home. Really, the trail we've walked along has been a rather foggy one and I'm not sure I have seen some of the landmarks along the way. Walking in fog is hard enough as one can't see if the road is still there or if you've stepped off the path, but running through fog is even scarier, as one is sure to trip and fall down if not once, but maybe many times. As the sweet baby boy came home almost a year ago, I know I didn't even realize that the fog was setting in. Through my "just fallen in love" eyes, I began a light jog down a path. Somewhere along that path the fog was so heavy and the pace I had made me desperate to catch a breath. I ran through stop signs maybe and  forgot to yield when things were coming my way. All the while, I stopped seeing what was around me and could only feel the sweat running down my back as I ran hard to stay on a path I thought was the right one. And maybe it is, but I can't see clearly. And it's hard to make the right turns when you just can't see. As I have ran through the thick dense fog I've lost sight of the beautiful landmarks that line the road...the little yellow flowers or the new blossoms on the trees. The sun rays shining across the blue sky and the drops of rain hanging onto the green leaves. The little things that make our world beautiful. When I pause and see beauty, I find my heart speaks truth to my head and once again I can start to see clearly and pass my vision onto my children.

Today I sit to write this post, a little scared that I might let myself be too honest. I am timely reading through Ann Voskamp's book, A Thousand Gifts, and it really resonates with me when she says "that moving the ink across the page opens up the eyes". John Piper says it too, "that there are eyes in pencils and pens". I get what they are saying, I think, and find beauty as I let the writing of my heart have its way. Healing or an open door to seeing, fog lights for a dreary day..I'm not sure? Maybe a little of both. 

In running through the fog I've found myself in a clearing. Not sure how I landed here, but I am here. A place where I can stop and let the fog pass a bit before I walk again. I am on a journey to find beautiful again. I know it is always around me and the gifts I see daily don't always whisper to my heart though. I see, but I don't see. I don't let my soul slow down enough to really feel the gifts surround me and lead my thoughts toward beautiful, just as God created all these such things. I'm looking for whats right in front of me. I just can't open my eyes all the way. I am hoping my pen will guide my vision. Chin up, I am looking for it. The beautiful.

I am challenged by Ann's list of 1000 gifts. I feel it making a difference in my heart as I sketch out a mental list in my head. So I am going to jump in and see where my own list can lead me. I want to see beautiful along each road my life leads me down. I want to notice the simple gifts that surround me and let my heart be thankful in every way, so I can keep my eyes on the beauty and not let the fog block it out again. I have no time-frame and I'm just looking...and writing them down. In my little flowered note-book, chosen for it's empty pages and potential to change my life. I believe my path can be made beautiful again. I know I can find it. I want to see it on clear sunny days and be able to train my eyes to see it through the foggy too. It's been created for us and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. Only 3 pages into my little note-book and I can already feel the mind squinting through the fog to see clearer, to pick out the beauty in the distance... only it's not that far away. It's been right by me all along. I'm just only starting to see again...

just a yard away

Did you know that Americans today spend such little time outside of their homes that most don't even know the names of the people living just across the street from them? It's a sad story if you ask me. Garages are built right into houses and mail boxes on the front door so all you have to do is magically drive in and out of your garage and technically never go out to see who is really outside your 4 walls of a home. That inner door keeps you from walking the extra distance across a lawn or two and facing a real life person or interacting with the average dog walker and jogger coming by. While I love a good back-yard, I also know the value in hanging out in my front yard, parking out of my garage, and letting my neighbors see we are some real folks living life right alongside our fellow neighbors.

When I think about what I've learned about community and what God wants from us to live within community, I quickly think back to our own block of community members. Every so often something unexpected and wonderful comes out of simply choosing to walk across a yard and say hello. As I intentionally gathered my children, cleaned their faces, and baked cookies to deliver to new neighbors a year ago...I took that little walk across the front yards and arrived at their front steps intending to welcome them to the neighborhood and offering a friendly suggestion to stop by sometime.  I went to be the giver, but I have found that my life has been deeply impacted as the receiver in a way of community that I wish every person could experience in their own neighborhood.

My family sat out front one night this week and admired the big moon and ate pizza late at night and laughed and let summer settle in around us. And we did it with our neighbors. Our neighbors who are just a yard away, but in my heart they are comfortably sitting on my family room sofa. Delivering cookies quickly became delivering ourselves in a way that we have been able to open our homes and hearts as we pass the days together. Between sharing tools and recipes and baked treats and dog sitting and kid swapping and meal making and yard games and tears and laughter, we have somehow stolen a little piece of what I think community can really look like. I am beyond blessed to have such kind, genuine, and good neighbors. A place where my children can go and be loved on and played with and cheered on to be who they are. A place where I can walk in and be welcomed with a smile and be encouraged to be who I am. People who I can invite to my dinner table the very last second and know they don't care if I am serving left-over soup from 3 days ago or a 4 course meal. People who offer to help in so many ways, yet don't pass judgment when my house is in shambles, my teeth aren't brushed, and I just yelled at my kids. These folks from just a yard away in so many ways are the best neighbors, but mostly, they've become some of our best friends.

As I step out of my front door I always look just a yard away and feel like I'm just gazing on down home. I am blessed to eat pizza late at night with another family who is willing to step outside and share life with my bunch. It's been just a year since we went on a walk just a yard away. Today my boys run that short distance to greet some of their favorite familiar faces. As I intentionally tried to welcome them to the neighborhood, I have been so blessed as they intentionally welcomed me into their hearts. They say the grass is greener on the other side...in our case, it most certainly is!

Rais'in the Roof

Today is supposed to be another hot summer day, near 100 degrees and heat index of 105. In these hot conditions it makes me want to lay around in my air conditioned home or get my brood to the pool faster then you can say fried egg. What I want to do today and what needs to happen today are two totally different things. For over two weeks now we have been tackling the project that most people run from when they hear what you are doing: re-roofing our house. Not just re-roofing, but redesigning our roof line to make it work with our new double garage. We have had a very narrow single garage our whole life and Dave's dad is a natural born expert in the carpenter service area, so he managed to draw up plans to make this new roof include expanding a garage wall, filling an empty gap between our home and existing garage, and wa-la...new double garage. Genius if you ask me.

I can't even put into words what it feels like to have someone show up at your home day after day and sweat through these nasty heat conditions to put a new roof on our house. He comes, smile in tack, and climbs back up even after he's trudged home soaking wet and weary from the day before. All I've done is make meals, serve water, and keep kids and have questioned a time or two...is all this work worth it? But he keeps coming, keeps serving, and every time I go out there...he keeps smiling. I go back inside and lay a baby down or prepare a snack and am reminded...it takes a lot of hard work to put a new and better protecting roof on a house. It takes the same sweat, hard work, and smiles to put that kind of shield over a home. Home, the place my children learn and grown and try and fail and find grace and meet Jesus and begin their story. Home, where my I hope others enter and feel welcomed and loved and encouraged and cared for. Home, where I hope my family looks forward to coming back to at the end of their day and finds safety in a place where they can be just who they were designed to be.

Building a stable roof over our home is similar to the hard surface roof going up as I speak. I look back at how we've done our life with these kids and with each other and we've chosen the harder route for sure at times. We've sweat a lot and cried and worked hard, really hard, to make what we're building stand firm in something bigger then us. And we've questioned along the way...is all this worth it? We've had to redesign our lives many times to make it work better for our family and what we're trying to accomplish here with these little souls under our roof. As good men have just showed up to work side by side my smiling and sweaty father-in-law, I am reminded that with our home building we have so many that show up for the hard work in here too. This roof can't go up on it's own or with one man. Our home can't be built by our hands alone. We have very intentional people stepping in and sweating hard with us to make all this come together... both house roof and home roof.

Shingles are getting scraped off and new ones being placed over top. As I watched some of our best friends scrape and scrape ugly, worn, not working anymore shingles I felt like I was understanding a bit more why my Savior lets me sweat through hard times in life. He is getting ready to re-shingle, to place new ones, better ones over me. Shingles not doing their job, must go, and sometimes a complete new design must be built. All of this takes time and requires work, hard work. I find I question myself when it feels the dirtiest and on the hottest of days, but know the roof will stand in beauty one day soon as each hand has laid it's shingle right where it goes. It's a slow process that takes careful design, but the Designer I am letting lead me is a bit of a Genius of His own. I just need to keep showing up with a smile on my face, even when the day before was brutally hot and sweaty, and trust that all this hard work now is definitely worth it. I am slowly learning to let more in to help me raise our roof and humbled at the hands and feet that voluntarily show up to complete such a task.

Today is another hot day...but guess who showed up with a smile already? Yup. Guess I can too today as I help re-roof a bit of my own...

firefly summer

Summer has settled in all around us and I can't help but notice the signs that tell me it is a season for small wonders and simplicity. For some, summer brings long vacations and high adventure amusement parks and weekend road trips all bumped up against each other. For others, summer is quietly whispering its name across backyards and lazy mornings and the sparkle of firefly's as the sun goes down each night.

As a storm of a spring is settling down around here I am longing for the summer filled with simplicity. Don't get me wrong, this gal loves a good vacation and a little roller coaster from time to time... but these baby steps into summer are leading my heart towards days filled with the slow moments that let me see my kids each day, really see them, and hear the lull of the crickets at night as we sit in our back porch and watch the firefly's come out to play.

I believe there is a reason our Creator intends for us to have a regular Sabbath, a day of rest. I also really believe in sabbath like seasons. There are times when you need a day, no not a day, but days lined up against each other with the intentions of nothing really happening. The beauty though is that a lot happens on these days filled with "nothing". My slowest days are the days that I really sit down and finish that game of Candyland, really laugh with my kids and see deep into their souls as we sit and read a stack of books together as we swing back and forth on the ole' porch swing. On our slowest days we start the day on the outside porch and let the fuzzy blanket keep us warm huddled together while we make breakfast last an hour around that big table. These are the days where I can sit in the green grass and find cloud shapes and know my kids are laying next to me, content to be doing the same and not begging for something or someone to entertain them, simply because I've let myself be still and quiet right along side them. The slow summer days are ones where we sit down together for all our meals and find our way back to the yard for snacks while we chat about nothing in particular. There is no rush to be anywhere and the babe can nap whenever he wants and my heart is still. When the firefly's come out at night, we are there. Ready and willing to chase them.

This transition into summer is slow, but steady. I am making small plans and letting the days be filled with nothing so that big somethings can happen around this home. Somethings like us all really seeing and hearing and being together. Our tones in our voices say it all and the way my boys find my lap more naturally at the end of the day tell me that this summer with the firefly's is just what we needed. The beauty of firefly's is that they are small and go unnoticed to the hurried eye. But, to the one who stops and sees them and takes time to chase them finds that they bring much wonder and joy to the holder. Thank you summer for finding your way to us. As tradition lies here, we have made our to-do list for our summer and like most years many fun things have been added. The one I hold the dearest this season though is number 7...catch  firefly's. I officially claim this our firefly summer. Happy summer to you all!

the paper plate parable

Today I woke with a little more bounce in my step then the last couple weeks. The last day of school will do that for a mama! Getting to this spot has brought my heart so much respite. Like a weight lifted off my shoulder. After a long month of more then usual responsibilities, it is nice to let one thing fall off the plate. My son's 2nd grade year has come to a close and I think the whole family has been waiting for this day for some time! It was a tough year and while I didn't like the beginning of this journey very much, I feel so at home with where the beginning led us to. I have thoroughly enjoyed doing part time home-schooling. Ending 2nd grade with my boy who has spent his afternoons home with us the last 5 months is such a beautiful moment. I feel like we all tackled this year together, as a family. It was different and took more from me in the mom department, but the heart growth we've all had and the extra built in time for our relationships has been so, so good. The five of us have truly benefited from this structure for this season in our lives. I would do it again in a heart-beat if I had to choose.

In all the added things to our schedule the last few weeks and my total crash last weekend after exhausting every angle of myself, I have looked back at what I would do different...given the next time I decide to home-school, raise chickens, nurse a baby, start a business, do day-care, and all the normal stay-home mom stuff we all attempt to do everyday. Yes, I have definitely learned what NOT to do along the way this month!

This is where my paper plate parable comes in. Looking back, I had a lot of big things on my plate. And the pace was much faster then I ever intend to live my life. I knew going in that it would be a crazy few weeks. I didn't know it would almost swallow me whole when I was so close to the end. I should have been better prepared, like when I know a baby is arriving into our home soon and stock the hall cupboard with paper plates like they are going out of business at the paper plate factory.

Here is the truth. I will have another busy season like this short one this last month. Everybody has unusually busy seasons in their life. So often our commitments in our lives will intertwine a time or two and we will catch ourselves running very fast to keep up. It is okay to have a paper plate season every so often amongst your home. It is temporary and does not define who you are at that moment, but rather who you are working at becoming. A mom after God's own heart knows when to pull out the paper plates and when to serve with her best china. Paper plate seasons are all around us and I am fairly young in the parenting journey, thus I am positive I will find myself in another paper plate stage of life.

While I attempted to keep all my things afloat this last month, I became incredibly discouraged when so much of what I was doing felt like it was all falling around me. I really felt like I was not doing 1 thing in my life well. It was overwhelming and so frustrating and Satan loves getting me down to that place of discouragement and doubt. I should have gone into this season with my paper plates in stock.

Next time, I will let some little things go for a bit while I keep the bigger things of the moment moving ahead. I will use paper plates more and be okay making 10 lbs of taco meat to serve every which way you can name it.  I will rent some good learning videos from the library and feel good throwing that in if I need some work time quick. I will set up "help days". Days already planned for my kids to go have fun some place else, with someone else, so I can get some work done. And be okay with that. I will say no to almost anything that comes up last minute, knowing I need to stay focused on whats already going on, and will not add to my commitments in the midst of over-committed mode. I will delegate when it comes to the house chores more. I enjoy serving my family in this area, usually. But when my mind and energy is being used up in other areas, I fail in this area miserably. A cluttered and messy home makes me feel anxious inside and I can imagine my family probably doesn't enjoy "relaxing" when there are old diapers sitting next to them and the chewed up tennis balls all amongst their feet and breakfast dishes still sitting smelling up the kitchen :) As for home-schooling...that's the beauty of homeschooling. You can take breaks when life gets moving faster then usual. Let that move down a bit on the list for a few weeks. It will still be there when this all passes! I will skip baths a bit more and know sending my dirty children to bed will not make them sleep worse or better. I will say yes to all offers of help. I will go to bed as soon as I can and get as much sleep as possible (those dirty clothes will still be there in the morning!).

Paper plate seasons will happen. I know the norm here is not paper plate mode. But, it doesn't hurt to let them take over for a bit while you keep your heart, mind, and body in a good place for yourself and your loved ones. For me to let go of a few little things while the load is heavy, lets me make the big things like our relationships and the tone of our home stay in tact. We're all going to have those times in our lives when the paper plates just need to be pulled out. And it is okay. For we all know that when those paper plates run out or aren't needed anymore, the brightly colored teal glass ones are anxiously awaiting to be used again and the people eating off of them will hardly have felt the difference.